My body was worn down and I was so very, very tired. The bags were all packed, the carseat was installed, the nursery was ready, your little clothes folded and everyone was on alert and waiting and waiting and waiting some more .. Yet, you decided you were plenty comfortable. It was SO mentally hard. I waited five years for you. I didn't want to wait a minute more.
Today I read an article called "The Last Days of Pregnancy: A Place of In-Between." Here are a few passages;
The last days of pregnancy, sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks, are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.
Shouldn’t there be a word for this state of being, describing the time and place where mothers linger, waiting to be called forward?
Germans have a word, zwischen, which means between. I’ve co-opted that word for my own obstetrical uses. When I sense the discomfort and tension of late pregnancy in my clients, I suggest that they are now in The Time of Zwischen. The time of in between, where the opening begins. Giving it a name gives it dimension, an experience closer to wonder than endurance.
We need time and space to prepare for that journey. And somewhere, deep inside us, at a primal level, our cells and hormones and mind and soul know this, and begin the work with or without our awareness.
What an amazing and beautiful way to look at those last few days of pregnancy. Yes, they are hard physically and mentally, yet, they are beautiful and miraculous. I began to wonder if I had gone through this passage of time .. Zwischen.
So, looking back, I remember these things .. And maybe this was my zwischen .. My time of in between.
I took a hundred baths it seemed .. They were relaxing and you seemed to like them. I read and re-read, "What To Expect When You're Expecting," too many times to count .. I wanted to be ready. I would rub my huge belly with butter lotion .. I can still smell the lotion. I laid in bed, A LOT, because I was sore. Yet, I would watch in awe as you would move and kick. That was my most favorite part of my pregnancy with you. I still miss that feeling to this day.
I would rock in the rocking chair and talk to you. Mostly telling you to, "Come on out." I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. I probably vacuumed ten times a day. Ha Ha .. Because yes, you would think the carpet was dirty. So silly of me, yet, a very necessary thing at the time. Nesting, they call it.
I would float around in the pool and my whole body would become weightless. It was a warm Summer, so I spent many of days floating. I would lay out and veg with the beautiful, cloudless skies above me. I was so completely content. I was happy and relaxed. I felt so carefree.
I went and got a pedicure on your due date. There was no sign of you coming just yet. SO many people in the nail salon had questions. When was I due? Were you a boy or girl? What would your name be? How far along was I? I was more than happy to oblige, because I LOVED being pregnant.
But most of all, I felt contentment and excitement. I never feared the birthing process. I always felt a peace about that. I hope in my time of zwischen you felt all of the emotions and love I had for you. I hope you were content and happy too.
And that's what zwischen was to me.
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| The last belly shots. |
