Two months from today is my due date with baby number two. It's so soon that Olivia will be here. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat anything, I am anxious and I am petrified. How in the world am I going to love another being as much as I do my son? I wonder over and over again how this is ever going to even be possible. How will I love two? How does one love two children?
I feel like time is running out. - A constant and overwhelming feeling that time is slipping away. I'm running out of time from just being Jaxon's mommy .. My one and only. The thing that I've come to know myself as. That time is running out from this special bond that Jaxon and I share. The one that I adore. Where I am his everything and the same as him to me.
That time is running out of me having enough of myself to give ..
I have no idea how a mother's heart can love another as much as she loves her first born. How does one's heart do such a thing? Many second time moms I talk to say, "It just happens," but I just can't seem to comprehend this. Others tell me that it will take me having my second child to realize that loving two is possible. I wish this would just sink in.
I've never spent a night away from Jaxon. In fact, I think the longest we've ever been apart in 2 1/2 years has been around seven hours. I sit and cry when I think about leaving him to have another. Will he think I've deserted him? Will he be angry and sad? Will he pull away from me?
How will he fall asleep at night if I'm not here? Who will cuddle and hold him close during the night? Who will he run to in the morning? I'll be gone bonding with another child, while he's here without me.
Tears poor down my cheeks ..
Will I bond with Olivia? Or will I feel grief and guilt? This is suppose to be such an exciting time in our family's life. We wanted this .. To have at least two children. To be able to give our children a sibling. Yet, as the time ticks closer, the harder it gets. The reality of it all overtakes me, and I find myself feeling afraid.
How will Jaxon adapt and adjust? Will it pain him to see his mom loving another? How will I adjust? How will I fall in love and bond with another when my heart is breaking for the other?
How will I have time for two? How will my heart love two? How can I have a bond with two? It's all so surreal. Yet, as I feel her moving away inside of me, I know the time is coming soon.
Soon I will birth our second child. I will become a mom to two. Soon I will begin to bond and love another child. Soon I will share myself between two. Soon my responsibilites will become much larger.
I hope soon my heart will expand and everything will fall into place. That the completion of our family will be full of beauty and love. One of celebration and joy.
That soon, I will say, "I get it. I understand how it feels to love two."
Soon ..
Loving Two
As I walk along holding your two year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship, suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder .. How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me," and I hear myself telling you, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to this new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.
But then, I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But, something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times, only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And, I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you. You each have your own supply.
I love you both. And, I thank you both for blessing my life.
